A Nihilistic Approach

We will get to this.....

This is good....

I found him... or her.. Seshat... the goddess of writing... She came to me at a particular time when I was unaware.. She touched me, poked me to scribble... and write my thoughts. And they are in abundance... Flooding, I have to keep them, write them. Publish them. Amazing, such wondrous thoughts, they give me goosebumps, they make me cry, they make me want to love and love. Embrace me, and be with me. I will take you into a beautiful world of endless emotions..

Love is a beautiful thing, but writing is my love, so what do you call it? Writing takes me to places where there are no emotions. Where there is nothing but space, not empty, but not filled, spaces devoid of anything, and writing teaches me to fill it with love, fill it with longing, fill it with epical desires to pursue what is left of nothing. To start building a foundation of something tangible but unseen, something heavy but has no weight, something that touches us, that moves us. Just something powerful.

It is a magnificent gift to be able to write, to be able to discern and be confused with what we feel and in turn to make it into a ceremony of epicyclic miracles of seeking and finding what we are made of.

And so, what are we made of? You might ask. In the social world, we are so different from each other that we ask where is someone from, why someone is like that, why she seems so distinct, aloof, too kind, too gullible, too nice, the list goes on. But in my truth, I think we are all the same, it is only our powers, our wills, our desires, our longings and our environment that changes us into something acceptable. The society will claim us to be part of her if we cramble to be better, some of us becomes stronger once society has accepted what we have molded ourselves to become. Only few of us accept to be separate and they are the lucky ones. Are we them? Are we one of them? We only know individually. Secretly. Fugitively.

We.... You and me....

We each live in a limbo of confusion, amazement, wondering whether love is a feeling or a fact, a figment of emotion or something that we conjure to make us become better persons or better friends, better lovers, better than what we are. My thoughts are mainly an offspring of my search for truth, whether in pain or in joy, in lie or in honesty, I still seek. Somewhere out there, someone understands, someone feels, someone is real. Just as I am. I know you are too.

My Thoughts

Are we by nature chameleons? We acquire the same colors as we go through people and form relationships with them? What about our emotions? Do they blend in and merge with the opposite feeler in a relationship? How often do we do this? How long do we keep practicing this until we truly become what we really are and what we really seek to be with someone. Does everyone do the same? I often wonder… These are my thoughts…..

And so...

In the most remote of all senses, you dwell, in me, unknowingly good. By far, the most sensitive parts of me know that you exist and that we will meet again. I am merely warding off what was before for fear of what may be. Come as you go and leave like strangers in a ship out to a battle of unawares, we linger still, hoping to return and be together with what our hearts truly claim. How often would memories try to arouse us as we lie longing like fools yet falling in love like gods of the Grecian myth.

One

One

Love is a conspiracy, an endless battle for the shrewd, the sly wins, the true remains.It is a game of tug and war, someone asks you to fall and you have not even thought of it. Then you become aware of the thought, then you get enticed, and when you really leap to make a fall, they run away. You are left in mid-air, hoping everything would stand still and the pain would go away. They plead you to hold on, tighter and when you do and get tranquility seeping in, they let go, leaving you hurting, wanting.

The irony of it all is that we are in an apocalypse of recycling, reusing our emotions. Over and over again we feel the same things and always the same emotions. One cannot comprehend the dream from the real, the past from the present, all the heart takes heed of is the moment. The moments which might never come, the moment which may never was, the moments which might just have been an illusion of something we dreamed of.In this labyrinth of transitory heart-beatings, we rely on what we know best, to give and let it all out. But what do you do if you are faced with a wall? You do not even know if it hears, if it listens, if it understands, or if it feels anything. Ahh senses, what misery this glory brings. In a quagmire, one loses, one let’s go. One cannot understand which one is better- to be in a pool of apathy or to be in a love where only one feels? How long must ephemeral emotions be? They say this is just a phase, another stage I have to go through. It will pass, it will pass. But for how long I have to endure it, one can never know. If angels cry for every heart beat, they would be weeping over mine. Mine is dead but hurting. How can the dead be hurting? Only the heart can answer.

The day of reckoning comes when we let go of something we can never live without. We have to sustain and nurture our spirits with the verity of losing what we love the most. For if we keep holding on and not know what we are holding on or why we keep holding on, we will learn the art of taking life for granted and not truly be alive but simply live. A thing which I fear the most.

If time was the beginning of the end, I would choose to start again, leaving another dimension, leaving another life for a better one. For what would my essence be if I were simply to wait till what my heart desires arrives when I know that there is nothing more to something? I must be a fool, a gallant fool, recklessly enjoying something which no longer has meaning.Love exists in the connection between two souls. One feels it to the bones, to the marrows, to the toes. One senses through a glance, sways in every stance. One would always want to dance. Tears weeping, glowing, they used to have meaning but they don’t feel anymore too. They just flow, in the night when there is silence and memories come shimmering like pieces of dreams.

Is love supposed to fade away? Is it why people get married so even when the love is not there the legal bond is there to tie them together till death do they part? Love should be stronger than anything. It should be only bond which ties two people into keeping hold of each other yet letting each other fly away. It should resist all persistence of animosities. It should be languid as anything, it should win every battle. But maybe love takes time, love waits, love prays. But what do you do when love is not there at all?

Love is love. It is there when it is there, not when it is not. One does not have to wait till it grows, because it is not a plant, not a seed, it is an emotion that lingers and allows us to sing. If one must wait till the hair grows gray, you think love will bloom? They say love starts when sex ends. Haha. What a funny idea. Sometimes funny things are real.

The most incorrect statement of all time is that all is fair in love. All is never fair in love. There has to be an imbalance. One always loves the other one much more than one does to the other. But this is not an equation of fairness when summed up. There is always a higher love among two. However, those who love the most must feel the most right? As a sign of gratitude, one feels more yes, one radiates more, but being humans, the other who is loved more always gets the better edge. Not because love is a competition,but because it always feels nice when you are loved.Love is supposed to be a metamorphosis of traits, a merging of two beings, a union of two souls, a complexity of a simply over-used emotion. Not a reflection of strength or weakness or a symbol of one’s feat. Love is love by definition itself.

I was asked, have I ever felt the greatest love? Among men? I replied I don’t know. Aghast with my reply, I didn’t leave them with a longer span of confusion. My reason is, every love I have I consider the greatest the moment I feel it. Not because I am sentimentally tactful but simply because the love I gave away at that particular moment of my love-life was then the grandest at that time. No one can disprove that, not even me. This is by far the truest statement I have said about my emotions. The silence was all I needed to hear as an assured positive reaction to my heart-felt affirmation.

I want my life to be consumed by love no matter how fleeting. It is much better than hatred and exceedingly blissful than apathy. At least in love even if I get hurt, I feel alive. I lose something but I gain so much.

Don’t you like to fall in love sometimes?

18 August 2003 4:15pm a.n.h.

A Moot Chance

A Moot Chance

In agony, in ecstasy, I writhe and wriggle, longing to see the shimmering side of you, once again like I had done before. In my waking hours, in my sleepless nights, you creep like a thief, sneaking into my senses, while I am unaware and I am left to wonder, whether you remember what we shared. The night we seemed to have found silence, in each other, a penchant and enchanting surrender to the smitten search of what we could not find and so seemed to have been searching for. But I am alone and you are as you made it seem, as I believed, as what you have told me. So maybe, in reality we both seek for each other, a knowing comfort that makes us both uncomfortable. Each day I try to grasp for little miracles, like your smile, or your voice- I am a child in puberty, infatuated, blossoming, blooming, yet old, wrinkled and fading.

When my thoughts wander and I surrender, I feel like I lost yet it feels good, what emotion is this, uncalled for, unnamed, unwanted, reeling, making me long, and long and long. For you are one stranger, of time, a stranger of mine. One day when we look at the stars maybe we will both recognize what we have missed.

Your eyes I remember, they seem to yearn to belong, in me as I feared I needed too. But that was a fairytale of long ago and they never come true. So maybe in time we will be able to find and hold on to something we can each call mine.

I didn’t falter, I was just being me, but you wanted the me who appears when I am closer to you. But things have a pace, and it’s not a race, so I slowed down and you went away. You were just astray and you found my way. A brief encounter, left me in banter, it was pure fiction, and became my addiction. So everyday, I seek for you to be astray, maybe once more, you will find my way and you will get lost in me, around me, for me, with me. But we are both the difference, the you being me and the me being you. Never in congruent with our thoughts, nor harmonious with our emotions, just a passing glance in the banal existence in everyday songs of strangers, still the stars keep falling and you will not hear, nor see, nor remember, neither look again. Because, I haven’t and I will not for fear of being someone you dislike. So once more on a cold night I will remember that night when it was chilly and I stared into your eyes like I belonged and you made me feel the comfort of being uncomfortable.

To Speak

To Speak

a mere embrace
a touch of face
love means more..
that quiet look
that deep long gaze
love is felt-ablaze..
those slur of words
those lack of lines;
love is more phrased..
those naked souls
of midnight rolls
and crumpled sheets
love is erased..
a silent kiss
of passing time
love is forgotten
lost is mine.

The Kiss

The Kiss

My heart is heaping
I feel like weeping
Coz I cant see your face
Nor touch
the warmth of your embrace.
What a morning delight
When you are at sight
Its a real misery
If you're not near me.
Each night I kneel
On broken keel
As to inspire
Me in quagmire.
And so it goes
In daily prose
The kisses stolen
In four closed doors.
Forsaken yearning
My heart is burning
When touch surrender
As nights melt under.

Rush

Rush

In the mist of rolling seas
Her dainty feet curl up to please
As words inspire her cheeks all blush
The fragile hands twist out to rush.
On iron boards she burns her hand
Why folded clothes would never stand.
In quaker cracks she blends the ice
Deeper in she craves to pay the price.
Early hours she waits in gloom
In waters seeps when flowers bloom.
Of melted browns and trousers stain
She hopes to love and leave again.
In Italy, where she will be
If it is true, then she will see.
Then photos come of naked dreams
When silence means a lot of screams
"Oh please come, materialize"
She begs and pleads then agonize
A tender love of pure command
This she wish of gian ungrand.

Rain

Rain

You start bursting out and rapidly play
The lyre, the piano? Can't tell which thing.
Like a mad singer you sing
Beating loudly upon my roof
Striking the keyboards, whistling
Along with the troop.

People stop and relax
And listen to your music
You reach out and chant to everyone
Even to my lonely window pane.

Your sound flows and fills the room
Echoing and droning your mysterious song.

Murmuring the words you go on
With that haunting tune.
I listen to the soft trickling notes
Of this smooth flailing ballad
It has no lyrics, yet its a song

Piano in the Old House

Piano in the Old House

The broken chords, the lonely tune
Fill up this sad and empty room.
His voice unheard, her footsteps glide
The familiar steps, the known stride.
Scents of the past choke on my throat
As the song plays on, unsung.
Lost in memory, nobody remembers
The melodies we used to play.
My hands are tired as I flicker alone
In this lonely and empty room.
Dust kiss on pictures older than I am.
I wonder when time would go back -where,
I play the tunes so well and they
Listened in this old house,
older than I feel now
My hands trickle on these notes
As lonely as they can be, lonelier than songs
Have ever been. How often the piano cried
In the nights when nobody came
To play, to sit and play again.

Of Love

Of Love

of great rebuke the love provokes
seducing tempestuousness,
like stars falling, like tears flowing,
like rivers rippling,
of moonlight gone and shadows in the dark
contouring a memory
upon a tree, a lonely lark;
the sun abliss of kisses we miss,
of secrets untold, dreams we hold,
of stars and constellations;
of bridges that links gaps,
of distance between two places, two people.
lives intertwine like vines upon rocks,
upon seeds, upon roots, upon your dreams
of love seeking to love,

Of Gardens And Beams

Of Gardens And Beams

when dawn stretched out her pink arms
above the green mountains and yonder,
the blue seas, the azure skies
have smiled in the early sojourn delight;
when the sun have started to shine
the tears the flowers have cried
have glittered like the stars
scattered in the milky way;
the sun could out a smile
upon every petal's lips
perhaps the rain would pass them by today-
when the sun have drank the succulent nectar
and done with kissing
the garden's parched lips

Memories

Memories

of you awake and me awake too,
awaiting a moment when we both
clash or coil, or let go
or hold unto another and
live or leave as one or lose
the path we once made for fun;
of angels weeping as
souls scatter and search
frantically while we both let go
of something given for us to show.
of questions that we seem to ignore
lest we touch a healing sore
of angels weeping as we lie sleeping
together in dreams, separate in beds
each hand we hold
these emotions untold
i best keep and remember
until i grow old

Letting Go

Letting go

In the hope of holding on, I let go
The pain, hurting, searing through.
The love I gave was pure
The ache within so real.
Each night your name I sing
Hoping the angels to me
You they will bring.
But now the days have gone
The months has passed, my tears
have filled, along the years,
the distance gapped,
my strength all sapped
In silence I pray
Someone like you
Will come my way
But until then, I know I should
While I still could
Let you go.

If Only I know

If Only I Know

in the beating i understood
the silence of your emotions
and the deepness of your love
in the longing and the yearning
we realized, feelings are only
a matter of time.
the distance grows and lives
separating two entities
meant to be one.
but only silence can understand
and only time can ever heal,
the scars of my broken hands.

Freedcar

Freedcar

for a classmate

I dream and dream
Like I'm asleep;
I talk and scream,
Yet I silently weep.
There's too much joy
I've grasp and felt-
too much pain and tears
I've bundled and kept.
There's no regrets to things I've lost,
to things I've missed-
Hands I've held
and lips I've kissed.
Heart's I've broken
Dropped into bits,
A tear could fall
When i begin to remember
One of them..
All

Flowers

Flowers

I dream of forget-me-nots
Of lilies and poppies too
And i fell into sunflowers bed
Then rolled into hyacinths red.
I found tulips, roses and lilacs
As youth filled braided locks.
Apricots and ylang-ylangs
Filled my nostrils
As I lie in this garden dream
I picked one white rose and kissed it
A tear fell, turned to blood
And made the rose so red.

Careless

Careless

If all arranged romance gather
In an array of sweet together
What must we two call what we have
If we hold each other like angels above
As we cuddle and tenderly kiss
Eagerly groping what we both miss;
Not one of us knows how or where it grows
The utter silence they offer-these corridors.
Words trickle, fading any flicker
A glimmer of hope cannot even cope
In all the meaningless caress
None of these I cannot bless
For the heart has gone frozen
Though these hands have become brazen.
So let me be a lamb, meeker
Much more than I am weaker
For tomorrow might never come
But be glad you are here, so I am.

As If

As if

Then you came, like a lord
Wrapped in love, clad in gold
With a sight profound
and a passion unbound.
In reverie we sit and lie
Tossing here, heaping a sigh
In bidding byes and quagmire state
I was left to cure then test my fate.
So I depend and rely on time
When you would come, so to be mine.
But then you flew, to why and where?
God only knew, the thing is that I am here.
But I embrace, the silent lace
Of kisses gone, of midnight race
Then one night an angel wept
I cried with her, with no regret
We realized, love was real
Although your touch I cannot feel.
And so adieu, as the French did do
Yet in my heart I still love you.

All the Love

All the love

In search of you I gave away
Everything that I have in an array
In meaningless pursuits I try
To make a test on how not to cry
Then you came with angels
At a time when I stopped
Searching.

A New Love

A New Love

Then it all begins, with a smile
Emotions surging, eyes beguile
Hearts beating, minds clashing
Tender words the mouth reveal
Longing arms the clothes conceal.
A morning bliss, two lovers kiss
Holding on, pushing through
Wondering where this would lead to.
And in the night on knees, call might
Staring roofs, loving walls
Reaching out as the heart falls.
In midnight dream, I hear a scream
Hold me close hold me tight
Do not kiss when there's no light.
As silence brings, the phone rings
Yearning words, I do not hear
Wishing you are just too near
I deal with it, I cannot eat
And so I sing a fragile song.
I hope now to you I belong.

A Little Child

A Little Child

they raise their feet so high
wondering if they ever reach the sky.
and lift their souls above
not knowing what is the gift of love.
faces drift and fade
as hands caress and river-wade
eyes droop and tears fall
no one knows a reason none at all.
and so she lingers here and there
not knowing what, not knowing where.
so like a child she just hide
when one command she can't abide.
then one day she came to pray
in a church, on a mid-day
a priest came to bless her hand
but she ran and left the land.

Spaces

Spaces

this hollow space inside of me
is empty still until now.
no words can fill..
no words can move
no thunder can utter
no tender love can ever prove
the will about how i feel
of life that is lost still.
like a drop of dew
on my window sill,
no words, no lines
no touch no songs
no sounds of truth can ever fill
the voice of love
the sound of pain
that no one hears

Fleeting

Fleeting

in this belonging i lose
a part of me left behind
in you. and then i trace
a warm embrace of long ago
of love lingering
never wishing to go.
when time stood still
all love became futile
and so the story goes
of how time flows
and how love knows
nothing...

In-Love

In-Love
broken bottles, wretched schedules
flunked in subjects, kicked-out of school.
crazy notions, delusions, hallucinations.
long dreamy and dreary nights
yearning a face to be at sight.
sommersaults in the stomach
gaping eyes(at an awesome knight?)
trembling knees weakening legs-
what a disease!
trudging the path, tugging at a heavy heart.
soary feeling, smiley teeth,
sparkling eyes; tears brimming
slowly streaming along the cheeks...

could you please hold me tight?

Nostalgia

Nostalgia

Home.
Oh how I wish I'm home.
Making fun with all my friends where
Everything is familiar. From
Scents to scenes, to sweet tastes of
Ice creams. From the cool breeze by the seas, to
Cold running streams. To the giggles and
Kisses, to the silent screams.
Now I'm so far away from home. Time is
Elapsing, I have to do something other than
Scrounging traces of the distant
So lovely, intimate home.

Reach

Reach

Our goals we reach
As stars we seek
Each time we fall
As rains down pour
And we embrace
When there is race
So we hold on
And love lets go
Of vows unkept
Dreams unmet
And then they sing
Slowly though,
Melodiously,
They come to me
I give away
All the love
They left astray.

Preach

Preach

In times we reach
Probing places
No one can teach
In remembrance of time
We try to scroll
Hoping children
Never learned to crawl.
As we ponder
And starve ourselves
We often wonder
What makes us breathe
What makes us cry
When someone attempts
Our heart to pry.

And so..

And so my thoughts scatter, like sands in the gutter.. Like dogs in the squatter, like corns in the popper.... boggling.. I am still struggling.... hoping this will be a good beginning.....